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What Men Desire and women need to know
This is a sneak preview of my book ..... The book will be out next month and I hope you guys grab one........
Preface
This book was written to give some practical as well as spiritual insight regarding the rise and fall of many of our relationships and how to regain its once former glory. Enjoy!
Genesis 2:23-24 And Adam said, "This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man."
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
There is no doubt in my mind that we are in trouble regarding our understanding of how a relationship between a man and woman should be. We have over the years ravaged each other almost to the point of no return.
I myself after being married find myself, writing about what I have learned from experience and others misfortunes of relationships gone bad, I ask myself if women could understand some of the more detailed points of a mans make up would it help them to help us develop better relationships with them.
The problem with the relationships today is this! We all have our own definition of what love looks like. Don't get me wrong I believe love can be expressed in many different ways however the definition for love can only be defined with one answer and until we all come to agree on this answer our relationships will continue to fall apart and our marriages will not last.
I hope in reading this book it enlightens men and women to the needs and desires of each other. We will not survive without each other. But together we can become what God has purposed our union in the beginning to be, Perfect even as He is PERFECT!
Table of Content
Chapter One
1. The Same Yet Different
2. Fast Food Relationships
3. The Touch
4. Worlds View On Love
5. Healthy Sex Life in Marriage
6. The Sacrifice
7. The Need to Know
Chapter Two
1. The Treasure
2. What Do I Give
Chapter Three
1. Get Lost
2. I've Got The Power
Chapter Four
The Game
Chapter Five
Fight for Me
Chapter Six
When Not To Talk
Chapter Seven
Covenant & Love
Chapter Eight
Give Me What I Want
Desire makes time where there is no time it does not only what is required but also what is necessary.
Jason Slaughter
Chapter One
The Same, Yet Different
There has always been a pre-notion that men and women are so different that men come from Mars and women from Venus when in truth we are far more similar than we are willing to admit. Society dictates such, and this is why this misinformed perception of men and women's similarities are overlooked. We are grounded in our belief that men are only designed to provide the necessities such as food, shelter, protection, security and guidance in a relationship, while a woman's purpose is to the needs of her husband if married and then to the family in a nurturing capacity.
News flash! The complexities of relationship and love go beyond physical attraction and duties. No matter how macho we as men would like the women to see us as, there is a side to every man that also wants to be not only loved, but desired.
There is a ritual that women do every day in order to get favorable attention from the opposite sex.
1) First she bathes and then applies all the smell goods that will send off an aroma of pleasure. In this first step of her ritual why does she do this?
It is not only to smell good but also to induce flattery and attention. "Hey Tina you sure smell good today," says Tom. The response required was given and the need to be noticed in a favorable and desirable manner has been met.
For women the words are sometimes enough to give them the boost of self-esteem and the ideal of still being desirable with the power to draw the attention of men. Touch is not always necessary for a woman, however it does have its place.
a) Men get up every morning bathe and then begin our preparation of becoming desirable. First we shave and then sculpture our facial hairs for those who have them to a crisp no flaw look and then splash aftershave with a squirt of our favorite cologne.
2) A women prepares her face with whatever cosmetic she uses in order to enhance her look toward being more visually enticing for the world she is about to enter along with the styling of her hair and nails.
b) Men comb or brush their hair to get the desired wave pattern or we put a shine on our baldheads in order to get a strong but clean look.
3) Next she goes to her closet and asks herself what will make me look good today and after about an hour of rambling through several outfits she finds the perfect one that will enhance her physical look and draw attention to what she wants highlighted in order to get the response needed in order to maintain self worth.
Understand wanting to be desired and wanting to sleep around are two different things. These steps are not always done to solicit sex but also to maintain self worth and a positive image of oneself while in the company of the opposite sex.
c) We then go to the closet and ask ourselves what will make me look good today? What will have all the ladies saying that brother looks and smells good, and then it appears as if under a shimmering light that black double breasted suit with matching tie and socks and shoes or that casual blue jean outfit with the polo shirt and the white Air force ones to go with it.
These are rituals that women do every day in order to receive a positive response from the opposite sex whether they are married or not. This ritual however is not only reserved for women alone, men also go through this ritual as well.
Why do men go through this ritual every morning if the need to be desired was not in him also? Now obviously every man's taste in clothing and what he considers the look for him is different, however the process we go through is the same. The only difference is it doesn't stop there with men.
Women are stimulated by things of the heart and are driven by emotions, men, however, are stimulated by sight and touch and need to be coached regarding certain things of the heart.
For men, the things of the heart are based upon how often a man makes love to his wife and /or has provided all of the essentials to make life comfortable and satisfying for his wife. The coaching begins with everything after this point.
Yet this does not change a man's need to be desired in a pure physical way just as women desire the attention of men in a verbal and physical way. But this desire cannot come with a bad attitude attached to it for your attitude will either draw us or repel us.
Because the attitude you show is an inward feeling expressed by outward behavior and if we feel like it is a burden to you to show us at times that you desire us with words of affirmation and touch then our attitude changes and we become average men doing only what is required not what is necessary in order to make the marriage relationship healthy.
Is this not what you desire for yourself when you ask your husband to do something, or there is something that you want that requires a sacrifice on his part. Do you not want to be received with a good attitude, one of understanding and love? Of course you do, we all want to be accepted and not rejected.
These are the characteristics of a virtuous woman. Proverb 31:26 says she opens her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. If you go back to verse 11 it says the heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. Spoils come from the conquest of something or someone meaning his eyes need not look for riches elsewhere because verse 10 says her price is far above rubies.
Women, we protect what we treasure. We will go the extra mile for the one who will go the extra mile with us. The desire of your man has to become part of your own priority or you become those who manipulate in order to fulfill there own agendas.
A Thought
The desire of your man has to become part of your own priority or you become one who manipulates in order to fulfill their own agenda.
Fast Food Relationships
Society has judged a man's worth through TV, media, movies and music, and this has caused men to fall into the trap of what I call "fast food" relationships. This happens when we do not take the time to prepare a meal or build a relationship. We pick up our food from the counter or drive thru for a quick fix just as some of us do in relationships for example, any time a man meets a woman or vice versa, it doesn't matter how the initial greeting occurs, and it goes from hello to good morning meaning before a day can pass by you are already in bed having sex both have just experienced the fast food relationship scenario, the quick fix. The problem with fast food relationships are:
1) The differences in both men and women's perception of what a healthy relationship looks like.
2) The way each communicates their way a healthy relationship should be.
Men will always consider the relationship healthy as long as the sex life is active. If you cut it off that is our first indication that something is wrong.
However a woman's perception of a healthy relationship doesn't start with sex but communication and our ability to hear what is being said and act upon it.
There is no one way love is to be expressed. However, there is only one way love can be defined, and that is selflessness.
I believe one of the reasons we see so many divorces and broken relationships is because one or both parties expect a certain role or pattern to be played out as if love were a puzzle that could be put together and all the pieces fit perfectly.
So when the picture comes out and it's not conventional but abstract we tend to think something is wrong with the picture and we attempt to make it what we think it should be according to our own perception or definition of love.
The key to understanding someone is to first understand yourself, and if you, as a woman have a need to be desired, what of men? Stop trying to turn your man into what you think he should be, let him become who God created him to be.
A Thought
There is more than one way love can be expressed. However, there is only one way love can be defined, and that is selflessness.
The Touch
I am reminded of a marriage where a certain issue was being addressed. In this particular case the husband after many years of marriage asked his wife why she never initiated sex in the marriage.
She would always say because I don't require it as much as you do, missing the whole point of the question. So he then responds, "Then how do I know when it is for you?"
In most acts of love making between a man and woman in a healthy relationship, the man wants to make sure in the process of making love to his wife that her sexual needs are also being satisfied. Ladies have you ever wondered why some men seemed to ask afterward did you get your orgasm in and if the answer is no men will immediately try and fulfill that need.
The reason he ask is because a man's perception of love besides being sight and touch is the necessity to please his woman in every area of her existence, fulfilling his counter parts needs and desires are at the top of his list.
Why? Because in order for a man to fill like a man he has to be able to provide as well as meet every need sexually of the woman he loves and has committed his life to. The main point of the question concerning the man's wife initiating the sex was not for the act itself but instead for the reassurance that he is meeting those needs and is still desirable to his wife.
Without this affirmation she only becomes a dumping ground for his sperm deposits and true growth is impossible. Where there is desire there is sacrifice and a sacrifice given in love will always reap the benefits of a healthy marriage or relationship.
One of the dangers for men and women that are not affirmed in this matter is they can easily slip into fantasy which leads to many forms of pornography which then leads to masturbation which can be the first step in a destructive path to sexual addiction.
Mark Laser outlines in his book Faithful and True the process that happens in a sexual addicted person's life. He talks about how fantasy allows men or women to create the perfect sexual partner and the experiences in their imagination which then can make it impossible for the spouse to measure up to what has been imagined. This is one of the reasons why pornography is unhealthy for relationships.
In the world of pornography you see a man or woman being totally satisfied in every area of sexual behavior, yet if your spouse is not into every fantasy fulfilled shown in the movie or magazine then you feel cheated and the experience of love making that was suppose to be pure has become tainted by images of an illusion trying to imitate reality.
This happens when either party in a marriage or relationship is not affirmed in his or her position of being desired and fulfilled. Men are not looking for the illusion of love we want the reality of it. No mind games, not the psychology of it but the manifestation of it through touch and affirmation.
Men are motivated by sight and touch when it comes to relationships women are motivated by things of the heart and driven by their emotions. This does not mean men are one facet only. However, you will find out in most marriages where there is a lot of touching those relationships seem to last longer and are less stress related.
Why? Because in touching him whether it is by rubbing his head, shoulders or even in a sexual manner, it enforces the concept in his mind that he is desirable. When you take the desire from the equation you place the man in the position to make bad decisions that end up having a negative impact on you. We are by nature loyal but weak. I believe this is one of the reasons why God said it is not good that man be alone, not just for the ability to relate but also because you are our helpmeet. You become our strength in the areas we are weak and vice versa. So what is the definition of a helpmeet?
The word helpmeet is seen in the Bible and it references the purpose of Woman. Helpmeet in the Hebrew means to aid, surround, protect, and secure. Aid with the vision, surround and protect with prayer and intersession, secure his mind by keeping his confidence about himself elevated through affirmation and the ability to nurture and care for him and family during the growth process.
In no way does this make woman inferior to man. They are equal. Where man is weak woman takes up the slack and where woman is weak man takes up the slack. Therefore, man in turn provides a covering for woman in the areas of Love, Knowledge, Security and Protection.
Love- in the physical (one body), emotional (one mind), relational (one heart)
Knowledge- teaching the wisdom and direction of God's will for their lives spiritually since he represents the head.
Security- in the area of providing food, shelter and clothing.
Protection - against anything that would present itself as harmful or volatile to her existence or well being.
Now for women who are in relationships that have not turned into marriage yet, if you do not want to end up heartbroken because you have decided to affirm your man with words and touch and he hasn't made the right decision concerning your heart and emotions my advice to you would be give affirmation without consummation.
Because your willingness to give of yourself alone will not change a man's perception of you, if love was never in his mind then the fact that you make love to him only fulfills his needs and leaves you empty. Remember love is an act of selflessness, not selfishness.
For most women your complaint is that you cannot touch your husband without him wanting to go further so your logic is to stop touching him till you are ready to go all the way. I'm sure you have found out by now that this only brings on unwanted stress so what are you to do?
First understand that men cannot help it. Men are motivated and stimulated by sight and touch. Be willing to accept that first, and then communicate it to them that you wish to touch them without the intercourse occurring, "you just want to be held". When you have made this statement you must still understand that even though he may try for a while to do what you have asked it may still end in the intercourse you were not looking for, because men cannot turn it on and off just as you cannot turn on and off a minstrel cycle. But it is up to us as men not to fail every time this happens, we must use some restraint in order to meet the needs of our spouse when it comes to her need for purely a security touch.
A Thought
Where there is desire there is sacrifice, and a sacrifice given in love will always reap the benefits of a healthy marriage or relationship
Preface
This book was written to give some practical as well as spiritual insight regarding the rise and fall of many of our relationships and how to regain its once former glory. Enjoy!
Genesis 2:23-24 And Adam said, "This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man."
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
There is no doubt in my mind that we are in trouble regarding our understanding of how a relationship between a man and woman should be. We have over the years ravaged each other almost to the point of no return.
I myself after being married find myself, writing about what I have learned from experience and others misfortunes of relationships gone bad, I ask myself if women could understand some of the more detailed points of a mans make up would it help them to help us develop better relationships with them.
The problem with the relationships today is this! We all have our own definition of what love looks like. Don't get me wrong I believe love can be expressed in many different ways however the definition for love can only be defined with one answer and until we all come to agree on this answer our relationships will continue to fall apart and our marriages will not last.
I hope in reading this book it enlightens men and women to the needs and desires of each other. We will not survive without each other. But together we can become what God has purposed our union in the beginning to be, Perfect even as He is PERFECT!
Table of Content
Chapter One
1. The Same Yet Different
2. Fast Food Relationships
3. The Touch
4. Worlds View On Love
5. Healthy Sex Life in Marriage
6. The Sacrifice
7. The Need to Know
Chapter Two
1. The Treasure
2. What Do I Give
Chapter Three
1. Get Lost
2. I've Got The Power
Chapter Four
The Game
Chapter Five
Fight for Me
Chapter Six
When Not To Talk
Chapter Seven
Covenant & Love
Chapter Eight
Give Me What I Want
Desire makes time where there is no time it does not only what is required but also what is necessary.
Jason Slaughter
Chapter One
The Same, Yet Different
There has always been a pre-notion that men and women are so different that men come from Mars and women from Venus when in truth we are far more similar than we are willing to admit. Society dictates such, and this is why this misinformed perception of men and women's similarities are overlooked. We are grounded in our belief that men are only designed to provide the necessities such as food, shelter, protection, security and guidance in a relationship, while a woman's purpose is to the needs of her husband if married and then to the family in a nurturing capacity.
News flash! The complexities of relationship and love go beyond physical attraction and duties. No matter how macho we as men would like the women to see us as, there is a side to every man that also wants to be not only loved, but desired.
There is a ritual that women do every day in order to get favorable attention from the opposite sex.
1) First she bathes and then applies all the smell goods that will send off an aroma of pleasure. In this first step of her ritual why does she do this?
It is not only to smell good but also to induce flattery and attention. "Hey Tina you sure smell good today," says Tom. The response required was given and the need to be noticed in a favorable and desirable manner has been met.
For women the words are sometimes enough to give them the boost of self-esteem and the ideal of still being desirable with the power to draw the attention of men. Touch is not always necessary for a woman, however it does have its place.
a) Men get up every morning bathe and then begin our preparation of becoming desirable. First we shave and then sculpture our facial hairs for those who have them to a crisp no flaw look and then splash aftershave with a squirt of our favorite cologne.
2) A women prepares her face with whatever cosmetic she uses in order to enhance her look toward being more visually enticing for the world she is about to enter along with the styling of her hair and nails.
b) Men comb or brush their hair to get the desired wave pattern or we put a shine on our baldheads in order to get a strong but clean look.
3) Next she goes to her closet and asks herself what will make me look good today and after about an hour of rambling through several outfits she finds the perfect one that will enhance her physical look and draw attention to what she wants highlighted in order to get the response needed in order to maintain self worth.
Understand wanting to be desired and wanting to sleep around are two different things. These steps are not always done to solicit sex but also to maintain self worth and a positive image of oneself while in the company of the opposite sex.
c) We then go to the closet and ask ourselves what will make me look good today? What will have all the ladies saying that brother looks and smells good, and then it appears as if under a shimmering light that black double breasted suit with matching tie and socks and shoes or that casual blue jean outfit with the polo shirt and the white Air force ones to go with it.
These are rituals that women do every day in order to receive a positive response from the opposite sex whether they are married or not. This ritual however is not only reserved for women alone, men also go through this ritual as well.
Why do men go through this ritual every morning if the need to be desired was not in him also? Now obviously every man's taste in clothing and what he considers the look for him is different, however the process we go through is the same. The only difference is it doesn't stop there with men.
Women are stimulated by things of the heart and are driven by emotions, men, however, are stimulated by sight and touch and need to be coached regarding certain things of the heart.
For men, the things of the heart are based upon how often a man makes love to his wife and /or has provided all of the essentials to make life comfortable and satisfying for his wife. The coaching begins with everything after this point.
Yet this does not change a man's need to be desired in a pure physical way just as women desire the attention of men in a verbal and physical way. But this desire cannot come with a bad attitude attached to it for your attitude will either draw us or repel us.
Because the attitude you show is an inward feeling expressed by outward behavior and if we feel like it is a burden to you to show us at times that you desire us with words of affirmation and touch then our attitude changes and we become average men doing only what is required not what is necessary in order to make the marriage relationship healthy.
Is this not what you desire for yourself when you ask your husband to do something, or there is something that you want that requires a sacrifice on his part. Do you not want to be received with a good attitude, one of understanding and love? Of course you do, we all want to be accepted and not rejected.
These are the characteristics of a virtuous woman. Proverb 31:26 says she opens her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. If you go back to verse 11 it says the heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. Spoils come from the conquest of something or someone meaning his eyes need not look for riches elsewhere because verse 10 says her price is far above rubies.
Women, we protect what we treasure. We will go the extra mile for the one who will go the extra mile with us. The desire of your man has to become part of your own priority or you become those who manipulate in order to fulfill there own agendas.
A Thought
The desire of your man has to become part of your own priority or you become one who manipulates in order to fulfill their own agenda.
Fast Food Relationships
Society has judged a man's worth through TV, media, movies and music, and this has caused men to fall into the trap of what I call "fast food" relationships. This happens when we do not take the time to prepare a meal or build a relationship. We pick up our food from the counter or drive thru for a quick fix just as some of us do in relationships for example, any time a man meets a woman or vice versa, it doesn't matter how the initial greeting occurs, and it goes from hello to good morning meaning before a day can pass by you are already in bed having sex both have just experienced the fast food relationship scenario, the quick fix. The problem with fast food relationships are:
1) The differences in both men and women's perception of what a healthy relationship looks like.
2) The way each communicates their way a healthy relationship should be.
Men will always consider the relationship healthy as long as the sex life is active. If you cut it off that is our first indication that something is wrong.
However a woman's perception of a healthy relationship doesn't start with sex but communication and our ability to hear what is being said and act upon it.
There is no one way love is to be expressed. However, there is only one way love can be defined, and that is selflessness.
I believe one of the reasons we see so many divorces and broken relationships is because one or both parties expect a certain role or pattern to be played out as if love were a puzzle that could be put together and all the pieces fit perfectly.
So when the picture comes out and it's not conventional but abstract we tend to think something is wrong with the picture and we attempt to make it what we think it should be according to our own perception or definition of love.
The key to understanding someone is to first understand yourself, and if you, as a woman have a need to be desired, what of men? Stop trying to turn your man into what you think he should be, let him become who God created him to be.
A Thought
There is more than one way love can be expressed. However, there is only one way love can be defined, and that is selflessness.
The Touch
I am reminded of a marriage where a certain issue was being addressed. In this particular case the husband after many years of marriage asked his wife why she never initiated sex in the marriage.
She would always say because I don't require it as much as you do, missing the whole point of the question. So he then responds, "Then how do I know when it is for you?"
In most acts of love making between a man and woman in a healthy relationship, the man wants to make sure in the process of making love to his wife that her sexual needs are also being satisfied. Ladies have you ever wondered why some men seemed to ask afterward did you get your orgasm in and if the answer is no men will immediately try and fulfill that need.
The reason he ask is because a man's perception of love besides being sight and touch is the necessity to please his woman in every area of her existence, fulfilling his counter parts needs and desires are at the top of his list.
Why? Because in order for a man to fill like a man he has to be able to provide as well as meet every need sexually of the woman he loves and has committed his life to. The main point of the question concerning the man's wife initiating the sex was not for the act itself but instead for the reassurance that he is meeting those needs and is still desirable to his wife.
Without this affirmation she only becomes a dumping ground for his sperm deposits and true growth is impossible. Where there is desire there is sacrifice and a sacrifice given in love will always reap the benefits of a healthy marriage or relationship.
One of the dangers for men and women that are not affirmed in this matter is they can easily slip into fantasy which leads to many forms of pornography which then leads to masturbation which can be the first step in a destructive path to sexual addiction.
Mark Laser outlines in his book Faithful and True the process that happens in a sexual addicted person's life. He talks about how fantasy allows men or women to create the perfect sexual partner and the experiences in their imagination which then can make it impossible for the spouse to measure up to what has been imagined. This is one of the reasons why pornography is unhealthy for relationships.
In the world of pornography you see a man or woman being totally satisfied in every area of sexual behavior, yet if your spouse is not into every fantasy fulfilled shown in the movie or magazine then you feel cheated and the experience of love making that was suppose to be pure has become tainted by images of an illusion trying to imitate reality.
This happens when either party in a marriage or relationship is not affirmed in his or her position of being desired and fulfilled. Men are not looking for the illusion of love we want the reality of it. No mind games, not the psychology of it but the manifestation of it through touch and affirmation.
Men are motivated by sight and touch when it comes to relationships women are motivated by things of the heart and driven by their emotions. This does not mean men are one facet only. However, you will find out in most marriages where there is a lot of touching those relationships seem to last longer and are less stress related.
Why? Because in touching him whether it is by rubbing his head, shoulders or even in a sexual manner, it enforces the concept in his mind that he is desirable. When you take the desire from the equation you place the man in the position to make bad decisions that end up having a negative impact on you. We are by nature loyal but weak. I believe this is one of the reasons why God said it is not good that man be alone, not just for the ability to relate but also because you are our helpmeet. You become our strength in the areas we are weak and vice versa. So what is the definition of a helpmeet?
The word helpmeet is seen in the Bible and it references the purpose of Woman. Helpmeet in the Hebrew means to aid, surround, protect, and secure. Aid with the vision, surround and protect with prayer and intersession, secure his mind by keeping his confidence about himself elevated through affirmation and the ability to nurture and care for him and family during the growth process.
In no way does this make woman inferior to man. They are equal. Where man is weak woman takes up the slack and where woman is weak man takes up the slack. Therefore, man in turn provides a covering for woman in the areas of Love, Knowledge, Security and Protection.
Love- in the physical (one body), emotional (one mind), relational (one heart)
Knowledge- teaching the wisdom and direction of God's will for their lives spiritually since he represents the head.
Security- in the area of providing food, shelter and clothing.
Protection - against anything that would present itself as harmful or volatile to her existence or well being.
Now for women who are in relationships that have not turned into marriage yet, if you do not want to end up heartbroken because you have decided to affirm your man with words and touch and he hasn't made the right decision concerning your heart and emotions my advice to you would be give affirmation without consummation.
Because your willingness to give of yourself alone will not change a man's perception of you, if love was never in his mind then the fact that you make love to him only fulfills his needs and leaves you empty. Remember love is an act of selflessness, not selfishness.
For most women your complaint is that you cannot touch your husband without him wanting to go further so your logic is to stop touching him till you are ready to go all the way. I'm sure you have found out by now that this only brings on unwanted stress so what are you to do?
First understand that men cannot help it. Men are motivated and stimulated by sight and touch. Be willing to accept that first, and then communicate it to them that you wish to touch them without the intercourse occurring, "you just want to be held". When you have made this statement you must still understand that even though he may try for a while to do what you have asked it may still end in the intercourse you were not looking for, because men cannot turn it on and off just as you cannot turn on and off a minstrel cycle. But it is up to us as men not to fail every time this happens, we must use some restraint in order to meet the needs of our spouse when it comes to her need for purely a security touch.
A Thought
Where there is desire there is sacrifice, and a sacrifice given in love will always reap the benefits of a healthy marriage or relationship
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